When I Lost Face

The party started but as usual he was nowhere. There was always something which stopped him. He slammed the door behind him and found himself saying: damn the whole world, after me the flood. He went under his quilt, turned the radio on, closed his eyes but his mind was wide awake. He thought of the day, of the day before, the week, the month and the year before.  Nothing changed. He found comfort in his room, in his bed under the quilt. This was his world. He thought some might say he doesn’t step outside his room. Wait next time he would say: I would go there and show the world……

No, he didn’t change his habit as if something hostile was always around. He remembered how once a girl turned to him and said: you look as if somebody has done something wrong to you. He said without changing his facial expression: No, there is nothing wrong. That was the problem. She was right there must have been something but he could not identify it. Something you can put your finger on it. It was beyond diagnosis. Wait a minute, whenever he wanted to go to a party something turned up which he couldn’t turn down.  He said angrily: it is as if by some higher decree: I am not supposed to go there.. He began weighing things up as usual. But at least he had an excuse. One day when somebody spoke to him he turned pale. He was embarrassed and wanted to find an excuse for his embarrassment by saying:  my mother died. But he knew that was a lie.  


Bremen, 2 May 2016