The Day I was Depersonalised
The day it tormented me, a new window was opened. A window of anxiety and unrest. A life I see now before it happens and after it ends. I am completely depersonalised. I watch my own film. I am the actor and the viewer at the same time. The border between real and irreal disappears and I walk freely forwards and backwards. Now and then I try to touch myself to be sure of my existence but the film is only stopped for a moment. Real life turns to a commercial, interrupting the film just for a few seconds.
When the agony reaches its high end and I am still caught, I feel a strong need to scream at the top of my voice but I never lose touch and control. I say no … create a distraction – drink coffee, tea or water or anything else - eat something, sing a tune, just do something, don´t sit around. What would they say if you behaved so oddly? He has lost his mind? You will definitely lose it all: friend, foe, job, partner. Go away, get lost in the literal sense of he word.
What is it? I want to know. Why is life so distorted? They say it´s the same anguish you experience when you are a prisoner of war and face torture. The film starts the moment your soul is about to leave. It depersonalises you. It derealises you. You are disembodied, estranged. Your soul cannot dwell in your body. There is no „body and soul free“. Your body is a prison. Detachment ist the only way to peace and rest.
Bremen, 12 January 2017